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Who Am I?

 

Feb 2

Written by: Miami
2/2/2009 12:03 AM

How often have you been told “just look”?

Has it worked for you? What have you seen, besides a confusing blur?

Two issues:

#1) How closely am I able to look, or to watch? What does it require of me, to be able to look? How can I see better than I do now?

#2) What specifically am I looking for?

Here are some thoughts; you may have your own.

It requires energy and it requires determination, a deliberate attempt. But this may not come easily; time after time I can only witness my reactions after the fact. But eventually I might obtain a moment of clarity: “I feel this fastball or curve ball coming at me; this time let me get a good look at it as it flies past my head.”

The specific thing to look for is to see that it happens involuntarily, against my will, against my better judgment or intent, against my best interests. Generally it's accompanied by anxiety. The harm it does to me I can sort out after the fact; but primarily I want to see that it occurs beyond my control. And maybe it won’t be beyond my control, once I can see it happening.

Sometimes the chains of feelings and thoughts that strike us look like an attack; other times more like the house falling down on our head. Sometimes they're so deep we don’t even notice them; our trajectory changes and we simply assent to the new direction.

Regardless, the things we’re trying to catch have roots. They have their origins in past traumas experienced personally, or in persistent universal traumas such as fear of our nothingness or our death; often the personal trauma has its roots in the shared trauma, our personal experience being simply the way we happened to have been struck.

Preparing the way ahead can be done by reviewing past traumas. Then when we experience a shock we will have our library of past traumas at our fingertips, and the shock in many cases will help uncover more of these buried treasures.

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