by SelfDef
“SelfDef Blog”, January 4, 2009
After practicing celibacy on and off for about 35 years, I decided to make this new year, my last year of celibacy. Over those 35 years celibacy has been the cornerstone of my spiritual path. There were times when celibacy was the only discipline of my spiritual path. I remained celibate because I knew the benefits that I gained from it. I was stronger both physically and mentally. I thought that Celibacy made me into better man and I enjoyed feeling that way. I could usually remain celibate for several months to a little over a year, but sooner or later forces of adversity would want their share of the energy built up, and I would eventually succumb.
So I decided to make a deal. Allow me to remain celibate for 2009. After that I will give up celibacy and find a mate. I honestly don’t know if this will work because the forces of adversity know that they are stronger than my will. But I also know that there are forces working with me and I am counting on those forces to help me see this out.
One can argue that I’m delusional to think that there are unseen forces working for and against me in this spiritual quest, but if I learned anything over these years, it’s that this “I” has very little control over my life. That this “I” is largely mechanical with the possible exception of self-observation where it may be semi-mechanical.
Mystics and philosophers have said that the Truth will make you free. Well, I see some of my chains. I notice how little I’m self-aware throughout the day, how I’m on automatic most of the time and how this path I’ve been on doesn’t seem to be doing anything other than making me think I’m getting closer to the Truth. I find that I feel closer to finding the Truth after I’ve been celibate for a while. Am I fooling myself? Am I thinking that because I seem to be able to function better in a celibate state of mind that I’m closer to the truth? After all these years I believe I can safely say that I have been fooling myself to think that.
Rose talks about tension being a catalyst in the search. Maybe the tension which invariably happens between a man and a woman will serve as a catalyst. Or maybe it’s just another trick by the forces of adversity. Either way, I’ve decided to see it through.
So this blog will focus primarily on the upcoming year, my final year of celibacy. Don’t quite know what I will be writing about but my intentions are to post something at least once a month. It will likely be a journal of sorts; thoughts, feelings, recollections and experiences of the upcoming year as well as the past 35 years of my association with Rose and TAT.
Comments
by Nanzo:
Your comments on celibacy are greatly appreciated, as I have been, like yourself, a TAT member for almost 35 years. Like you, I’ve been grappling with issues related to celibacy thoughout this time. Admittedly, I have had only sporadic success over the years. But this past year I have had more success than I ever did in all my previous years with TAT. Certainly, the fact that I’m now middle-aged and closer to death has made me more desperate. Starting a group and acting as monitor, as well as preparing topics every week, has forced me to be more honest with myself. And now, writing for this webpage is doing the same. Active ladder-work has been the catalyst for tension I needed to succeed with celibacy. Mind you, I still have problems with it, but I’ve had more control this past year than ever. I plan to keep the momentum going. Yet I’m facing the same problems you are: little self-awareness during the day; asking whether I’m fooling myself.
For myself, I can’t say that making a deal to be celibate for a year and then finding a mate would be the thing to do right now. I know I still have some of the old obsessions, so I need to clear my mind up some more. Today, I heard a Rose CD of a talk in Cleveland during 1977, where he gave an introduction to the Albigen System. 1 In the talk, Rose said that the “pursuit of happiness” is programmed in us; that we are “baited” to want it. He further said that it is a fictitious reward, because life itself is a mix of pleasure and pain in a relative dimension. To want only pleasure would create hell for yourself; if you go for pleasure, you’ll want a comparison. When I heard this, I thought of my own problems with celibacy.
1. PDF, 34 pages, 215K: Richard-Rose-1977-0426-Intro-to-the-Albigen-System.pdf
It just so happens that early last year, I wrote an article entitled “Self-Definition – The Only Real Problem.” I wrote this to be placed in the TAT Forum, but so far it hasn’t been put online. My problems with celibacy were in mind as I wrote it, so perhaps it is approprate, as this blog is named “Self-Definition” and much of what I discuss in the article relates to my celibacy issues, to place it here:
See Nanzo’s Blog: Self-Definition: The Only Real Problem
by SelfDef:
Thanks for that very poignant post. Fear of losing a coward really rings true for me. Lately,I’ve been grappling with the topic of fear as an obstacle without actually pinpointing which of the myriad of fears have been holding me back. So now the question is how to overcome this fear?
by Miami:
Why do people insist on bashing “the coward”? Is this a way to prove they are no longer a coward? If the coward is unreal then they’re asserting themselves by criticizing something that doesn’t exist, a logical fallacy known as a straw man. Or does it really demonstrate a personal dichotomy because they’re still attached to the man they claim they want to transcend?
Of course you are free to ask why I take offense at an attack on the coward and feel a need to defend him.
by Nanzo: (to Miami)
Speaking for myself, I don’t think I’m insisting on bashing the coward. Rather, I’m “afraid of losing a coward,” as Rose states it in PSYCHOLOGY OF THE OBSERVER. In the book, he was answering a question about being afraid to venture into the mind. Rose told the questioner it was a matter of whether he wanted to take a gamble. There were risks, such as losing your mind, or even a botched ascetic practice, but it was worth it. Let the coward die. Young people value themselves, and will question why they should pursue an ascetic path. Rose’s response: They’re rationalizing; talking themselves out of any real action. Though introspection, you realize you have to face the fear.
For myself, I think my fears are related to obsessions leading to the feelings of failure, deprivation, and inferiority I mentioned in my above little essay. I devised a complex system of rationalization to sustain those feelings. In all honesty, I think the issue of deprivation still persists. I’m still weighing options on the matter; still trying to determine what any possible course of action would lead to. Perhaps I’m rationalizing about my own perceived “progress.” I don’t know.
To answer your last question: I’d say I’m still attached to the “old man.” I have not transcended him.
So, Miami, I’m curious. Why do you take offense at an attack on the coward, and feel a need to defend him?
by Miami:
He’s my best friend.
by SelfDef:
I think I know what you’re trying to say. I came across something similar from ‘I am That’
“As long as the observer, the inner self, the ‘higher’ considers himself apart from the observed, the ‘lower’ self despises it and condemns it, the situation is hopeless. It is only when the observer accepts the person as a projection or manifestation of himself, and , as to say, takes the self into the Self, the duality of ‘I’ and ‘this’ goes and in the identity of the outer and the inner the Supreme Reality manifests itself.
This union of the seer and the seen happens when the seer becomes conscious of himself as the seer; he is not merely interested in the seen, which he is anyhow, but also interested in being interested, giving attention to attention, aware of being aware. Affectionate awareness is the crucial factor that brings Reality into focus.”
~ Nisargadatta Maharaj,
by Nanzo:
Upon further reflection, I think that being “afraid to lose a coward” may be just a form of “bashing the coward.” Bashing can be a reaction to fear. And when you’re bashing, you’re also being a bully. As the old saying goes, a bully is a coward.
A couple of years ago during a TAT meeting, an old member pointed out to me that I have a still retain a sense of regret about past actions. That sense of regret might be my bully-coward at work.
This all ties into the Nisargadatta quote. I’m sure that my “lower self” has despised my higher, inner self. The term “affectionate awareness” intrigues me. It doesn’t sound like something I’ve done. Can anyone explain to me the meaning of this term?
by Jake:
I refer you to my post in the Celibacy forum: Celibacy and Blavatsky
by SelfDef:
Thanks Jake. Health issues was definitely one of the reasons I decided to make this my last year of celibacy, but I’m sure there have been plenty of celibate catholic priests who have lived long and healthy lives while maintaining their celibacy. In fact my neighbor who is in his late fifties is training to be a deacon for his church and was told that if his wife were to die before him, he would have to take a vow of celibacy.
by Jake:
I met a Catholic Priest once who I’m sure was genuinely celibate, however, according to Rose’s definition, most are not. In one’s 50’s it is easier, of course. Personally, I don’t recommend “vows” to anyone (unless, tried, and Really serious perhaps), as it brings in additional influences – just determine to oneself to do the best one can. G. de Purucker – The Point Loma Theosophist, recommend to married couple-students, to go celibate after age 50.
[ end ]