From: M.
Sent: Monday, May 07, 2007 9:19 PM
To: Paul C.
Subject: RE: Friendship, Rapport, and ...?

If I were in the situation you describe, I would embrace the Blackness, the discomfort, the quandary, or the profound disturbed state that has arisen. It is all based in or on the fear of death; this is another game the ego is playing. It's masquerading as YOU, when in fact it's nothing at all other than imagination. Yet it is controlling the picture show. You have come face to face, in my opinion, with the fork in the road, mentioned by RR [Richard Rose] many times. At some point you have to be honestly willing to give up everything, life itself, all hope of survival, all spiritual gain or Realization. Then the Door will open. But be warned, as RR said too, the commitment you make will be severely challenged. He told me once, "...you can't play half-games." I think you get the point. You have to be willing to die. It's that serious. It's that intense. It's that real...actually more real than that but you can't imagine it. You can only dream about it until you put your life on the line, not just hours days and years, but your very heartbeat. "Give me Truth, or give me Death" must be your cry.

One time I had an Audi that got caught in a hailstorm, and the resulting damage was beyond repair, yet the car was drivable. I "prayed" or wished that someone would pull out in front of me so I could crash it and collect the insurance. Over the next two days, three people did exactly that, and each time I swerved like hell to save my rear end. AND, I was scared shitless. Hard not to be when you're doing 60 and somebody turns right in front of you. Point is, when I made the wish, I forgot to remember that I would feel fear in the face of immanent death by vehicular collision. Fear kept me alive. Same thing is happening to you. The ego can't willingly enter into a situation that it knows will bring about its demise.

Hence, the wisdom of Zen as a system of tension and shocks.